Newsroom GuidelinesNews TipsContact UsReport an Error Magic: Don’t give up on us. I’ve got another unselfish guy in mind who’ll help us.Bron: Who?Magic: Me!Walton: Hey, we’re not out of it if I can get Jordan Clarkson, Julius Randle, Brook Lopez, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Andrew Bogut and Corey Brewer to pull together in their last one, two or three months here.Luol Deng: Can’t I leave, too?Magic: I wish.Jim Buss: I told you, this stuff is harder than it looks.Former 76er GM Sam Hinkie: Don’t worry, be happy. It only took me two seasons of tanking to accumulate all those assets. I was working on my third season but they got impatient and fired me. Now it’s four years later and the Sixers are all the way up to No. 10 in the East! How are all my assets doing anyway?Sixers coach Brett Brown: We’ve still got two of your lottery picks, Joel Embiid and Dario Saric.Dallas coach Rick Carlisle: They dumped Nerlens Noel on us but we’re not playing him.New Jersey coach Kenny Atkinson: They dumped Jahlil Okafor on us but we’re not playing him.Milwaukee coach Jason Kidd: They dumped Michael Carter-Williams on us but we dumped him on Charlotte. Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert: That sniveling self-styled King James is talking about leaving again — oh, now they say he might stay next season? Never mind. Paul George: My goal used to be winning a title until I got to Oklahoma City. Now it’s just to get out of Oklahoma City. Carmelo Anthony: I hear you. Russell Westbrook: Ingrates. Oh well, what’s the Warriors’ phone number? Kevin Durant: That’s (510) 986-2200. You can never get enough good help.DeMarcus Cousins: Everyone says I want to come to the Lakers but with all the technical fouls I get for nothing, I better not comment. I might be the first NBA player ever found guilty of tampering with himself.Steve Ballmer: I paid $2 billion for this? Another $1-2 billion and I might have gotten the Warriors. Doc Rivers: Hey, we’re not out of the running with Blake and Milos back. Ballmer: I’d still rather have the Warriors. Maybe I’ll see if I can get Steve Kerr. Doc: Good luck. I’m sure Steve will be enchanted at seeing how the other half lives.Chris Paul: I told you I had to get out of here. Houston’s great and I’ve only played 17 games. If we get one of my pals, Bron or Melo, next summer, I might just play postseasons.Phil Jackson: Dumping Melo worked, just like I said. Too bad the Knicks axed me first. Is that gig running the Lakers still open?Jeanie Buss: Hi, you’ve reached Jeanie’s voicemail. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you. LiAngelo Ball: Dad, I just Googled Prienai, Lithuania where Vytautas plays. It’s a village of 9,867. LaVar: When have I steered you boys wrong? The GM told me that people there call it “the French Riviera of Lithuania.” LaMelo Ball: Google says there are seven hours of daylight in January. The arena seats 1,500, the town is “non-English speaking” and the coach doesn’t speak much either. LaVar: I speak English and you know who’s really coaching you. They say I can have the run of the place. You know, just like at Chino but colder!Worse comes to worse, we’ll see if we can go back to UCLA. They’ll just have to get waivers of several dozen NCAA regulations but I’m sure the Bruins would be up for it.In the meantime we now have Gelo and Melo Vytautas Prienai jerseys for sale… just $495 each!Dennis Rodman: From the original Big Baller, it’s true: There’s always somewhere in the world where they’ll appreciate you.Kim Jong Un: Absolutely, bro! We asked the usual suspects for their New Year’s resolutions, along with some ballyhooed newcomers!LaVar Ball: Resolutions? You mean asking people what they resolve to do for the Ball family?I’ve got a long list…Let’s start with the Lakers. Magic Johnson asked me to stop zinging Luke Walton. Of course, they’re still losing and I’ve got to be me but being a team guy, I said I’d come to Magic first. Of course, between you and me and however many readers there are out there, the Lakers are still losing and there’s only one man who can coach Lonzo without babying him while giving him the ball enough and playing him all the fourth quarters and still make the playoffs and you’re looking at him.Not to criticize Luke but he’s not in Golden State any more, Toto.Lonzo Ball: Gee, Dad, I like it here. Can’t we stay? Melo, Gelo and I are tired of this one year here, one year there stuff.LaVar: Just be happy you’re not in Lithuania, son. You keep hooping, I’ll take care of the game plan. Whatever you do, don’t let anyone change that shooting stroke I taught you. Soon everyone will shoot that way.LeBron James: Like I told everybody, Lonzo’s the type of unselfish player everyone wants to play alongside—except me, of course. At my age I’ve got better things to do than try to put a young team on my back and see if we can make the playoffs.